FLATULINA: SASSY, CLASSY, AND GASSY...

If you are not familiar with Flatulina, we are certain you will find the story of her personal struggle with the rare and socially embarrassing condition called chronic hypergastrosplosia to be both inspiring and incredible. Chronic hypergastrosplosia has literally afflicted dozens of people since the dawn of time, causing poor innocent souls to break wind uncontrollably for the entire course of their lives. Until modern technology made it possible to mask the odor of such a humiliating malady, victims were left socially undesirable and rejected. With the recent emergence of flatulence filters, now CHG sufferers are able to enter the modern day workforce to some degree and carry on somewhat normal lives except for this one remaining detail... the sound of the flatulence.

To this day science has been unable to effectively mask or prevent the unavoidable noise that constant flatulence creates. Sure they've tried and experimented with uncomfortable dilators and such, but who wants to go around all day with THAT? Not Flatulina. Therefore CHG sufferers still bear the scarlet letter of their condition for all to hear and know that they indeed cannot control or prevent their constant and dare we say loud flatulence.

Flatulina, being the brave and resilient diva that she is, has chosen to turn this curse into a blessing, and thus has taken the time to record these amazing renditions of classic holiday songs for your listening pleasure and amusement. She utilizes her medical condition to her advantage and makes music of her flatulence. Yes, it is incredible. Astounding even. And you, dear reader, are among those lucky enough to encounter Flatulina... The Fabulous One.

 

 

October 2004
Flatulina accused of "booty syncing"
A recent live TV performance during The Fabulous One's time in Molvania resulted in a technical glitch causing extreme embarrasement to Flatulina. While awaiting her cue on stage, Flatulina was away from her booty mic, and yet the audience clearly heard Flatulina's flatulent melody of a previous song over the music of the next song in the show. Flatulina threw her trademark Japanese fan down on the ground, flung the tiara from her head at the sound man, and then ran out of the backstage door into her awaiting limo leaving the audience and concert organizers speechless and in shock. Flatulina's publicist made a statement to the press which said "Flatulina admits that she was relying on a synced flatulence track, which is the first time she's ever done it, and she will never do it again. She has always prided herself on being authentic, but during her time in Molvania, she found that she simply wasn't as gassy as usual, and needed some recorded assistance. She deeply regrets any grief she may have caused her fans and management company, and the staff of Fabulation Records, and expresses her most sincere apology." Flatulina later posted on her LiveJournal her thoughts. "You and I know that even if I booty synched on it or not, I'd still get seen by dozens of Molvanians, maybe even make a few more fans. I'll hold my head high and say I think it was silly of me to do it, silly of me to blame the Gas-X, I was just so... out of gas. But I don't think it did me much harm, and people will see that soon."

September 2004
Early end to Flatulina's Broadway contract
Producers of the Broadway cast of Chicago have given Flatulina an early end to her contract as Veronical Kelly, murdered sister of Velma Kelly. "Our decision is purely financial at this point, we are not capable of keeping a star of Flatulina's calibur on cast for too long at the pay rate she demands," says one of the show's producers. "Ms. Boutier has done a stellar job in this challenging role, and we have grown to love her very much. Her warmth has permeated this place, and things will be very different when she's gone." But many are doubtful of this official explanation as rumors have circulated about ill feelings among the rest of the cast toward The Fabulous One. "This theater is an old building. We do not have the type of modern ventillation required to keep everyone happy while working in such close quarters with someone of Flatulina's... gassiness," states Morty Grubb, janitor for the historical theater. Flatulina's dismissal will likely prompt an earlier beginning to Flatulina's "Feel the Heat Part 2" Tour.

July 2004
Here comes the judge!
The Fabulous One is slated to be one of the top ranking judges for the Positive Pop Song Contest, the contest said to be "promoting music with a positive impact..." "We believe that Flatulina is such a true example of using her unique traits to have a positive impact on her audience, and we are thrilled to have a celebrity of her magnitude as a member of our judges panel," says Jean Gregory, publicist for the contest. The contest deadline is 7/31/05, and winners will be announced Fall of 2005. [www.positivepopsongcontest.com]

You could call her Fartellina, or Fartolina, Fartelina, or even Fartillina, but you would be wrong. Her name is Flatulina™. If you think farts are funny, if you love the sound of a good juicy fart, if you want more than a fart joke, if a fart noise makes you laugh, whether it's a dry fart or a dog fart, this CD has the most sensationg fart music ever and it's a fun gag gift. Celebrate the holidays with a thunderous fart sound and asilly fart joke, you could create a fart for a gag gift, be a fart machine for a gag gift, enjoy a fart noise for a gag gift, hit your nails with a fart hammer for a gag gift, find super fart girl for a gag gift, listen to a pussy cat fart or a puppy dog fart or a canary fart or a goldfish fart for a gag gift, tell a funny fart joke for a gag gift, watch a fart video for a gag gift, play fart wavs or a single fart wav for a gag gift, if you're an old fart wanting to send a fart card for a gag gift, or a lover of the dog fart series seeking information on the rare fart whale for a gag gift
using a nonsense phrase like: fart funny joke laugh lot make really that us will for a gag gift
if you have a fart fetish, get some help here from the diva
or want some fart spray for a gag gift, you don't need it with this hilarious CD
if you would like a fart free sound for a gag gift, then look no further
want to date a fart woman, Flatulina™ is your girl
living in the fart matrix, that's where Flatulina™ exists
but never deal with a face fart, she's too proper
star in a fart commercial, Flstulina is the star
cuddle up to a dog fart movie for a gag gift, what??
study up on fart lighting, light it with a flatch match!
capture a dog fart pic for a gag gift, nah, just get the Flatulina™ CD
yell out the phrase: fart make in honor of Flatulina™
sing a fart song to the Flatulina™ CD for a gag gift
tell a fart story about Flatulina™ for a gag gift
send a fart greeting card from Flatulina™ for a gag gift
draw a cartoon fart of Flatulina™ for a gag gift
tell a fact fart to Flatulina™ for a gag gift
 start a fart file about Flatulina™ for a gag gift
sniff a fart greeting from Flatulina™ for a gag gift
watch a fart movie about Flatulina™ for a gag gift
call on fart man who knows Flatulina™ for a gag gift
start a fart bag with Flatulina™'s CD for a gag gift
many people want to take a fart picture of Flatulina™ for a gag gift
join a fart forum or just get the Flatulina™ CD for a gag gift
play a fart game with Flatulina™ for a gag gift
sound like a remote control fart machine
replace a fart machine download with this fart CD for a gag gift
do the fart wave, it's more than a fart noise
celebrate a funny fart sound, not your average fart joke
witness a farm fart, hear a fart noise
invest in a  .com fart for a gag gift
store a fart file wav for a gag gift
reach the fart matrix within for a gag gift
keep up on a fart news story whale
 send a fart e card for a gag gift
rent or create fart own for a gag gift
conserve fart gas for a gag gift
be a fart maker for a gag gift
look for effects fart sound
light a fart bomb
visit a com fart
would you rather get the Flatulina CD or enter the dog fart gallery?
enjoy Flatulina fart humor for a gag gift
perform a blind date fart
send a  fart ecard for a gag gift
give a dog fart free for a gag gift
date a fart girl that is sweet
drink old fart old wine for a gag gift
cut and clip fart for a gag gift
charge a fart tax for a gag gift
it's better than the fart robert tilton video
with no fart smell for a gag gift
film fart movie pussy cat for a gag gift
she's cuter than fart robert tilton
say no to fart sex for a gag gift
we like her better than fart tilton for a gag gift
it's the best fart site for a gag gift
she's the best fart female for a gag gift
cute and not gross fart sound for a gag gift
the greatest fart machine online for a gag gift
she's starring in a dog fart free movie for a gag gift
we call her fart movie woman for a gag gift
week day fart for a gag gift
put it past the fart soundboard for a gag gift
who needs the amazing britney fart spear video
tell a fart girl story for a gag gift
see a fart pic
who needs fart hammer.com for a gag gift
 is it a beer fart for a gag gift
put that one in the fart gallery
show y our friends the fart girl sound
avoid the face fart sitting
she's at the top of the fart list
it's better than the blind date fart video
 fish fart or duck fart for a gag gift
the BEST fart music for a gag gift
that famous fart girl video for a gag gift
 flatulescense is not fart slave smell
better than the dog fart mpeg for a gag gift
turn on your fart light for a gag gift
better than the dog fart free pic for a gag gift
it's the ultimate fart page for a gag gift

she's as funny as tootin' tilton or tooting tilton, she's Flatulina, and she is here to stay!

 

Look at Flatulina™'s funny picture
Flatulina™ is so funny
 Get a Flatulina™ funny quote
Watch a clip of Flatulina™'s funny video
 Flatulina™'s former monkey was a funny animal
Flatulina™'s CD makes a funny joke
Flatulina™ has a funny t shirt for a gag gift
Flatulina™'s CD is very funny stuff
Dress like Flatulina™ for a funny halloween costume
Watch Flatulina™'s funny video clip
Flatulina™'s got some funny junk
Flatulina™'s friend Tootie wrote a funny poem in her live journal
 Flatulina™ would make a funny cartoon
 Flatulina™'s got a funny photo
Flatulina™ could be in a funny movie
  Flatulina™ has a funny saying
Flatulina™ doesn't have a funny face
Flatulina™ has a funny clip
 Make yourself a Flatulina™ funny buddy icon
 Flatulina™'s CD has a very funny commercial on Comedy Central right now.
 Send your friends one of Flatulina™'s funny greeting card
Flatulina™ told this really funny story
I sent someone a Flatulina™ funny e card
Flatulina™ has a funny poster
I put Flatulina™'s music on my voice mail for an away funny message
download Flatulina™'s funny mpeg
I dressed as Flatulina™ for Halloween and it was a very funny costume
 Get the Flatulina™ CD and you won't need funny junk.com
 Flatulina™'s artist site is a very funny web site
 Flatulina™ for a costume funny halloween idea
Flatulina™'s "feel the heat" tour had this funny sign
send your friends a funny email
Flatulina™ can make your day with an ecard funny
 Flatulina™ took a funny halloween picture
Flatulina™ has funny wallpaper
Flatulina™ recorded a very funny song
 Flatulina™'s ex-boyfriend used this funny pick up line
celebrate Christmas with a Flatulina™ funny card
 Flatulina™ is a funny name
Flatulina™.com is a very funny site
 Flatulina™ plays a funny game with her fish
Flatulina™'s body makes a very funny sound
send your friend a Flatulina™ funny greeting
send your friend a funny birthday card
 send your boyfriend a Flatulina™ funny picture joke
 Flatulina™'s CD is full of funny things
get your man a Flatulina™ funny shirt
Toot if you love Flatulina™ is a very funny bumper sticker
use Flatulina™'s music for a funny answering machine message
Flatulina™'s news archive is full of funny news
Flatulina™ has a very funny baby picture
Flatulina™'s got a funny quiz
 thinking of Flatulina™ in the studio is a funny image
Flatulina™ makes a costume funny idea
if you want a funny download, get Flatulina™'s mp3 snippets!
 Flatulina™'s commercial funny mp3
Flatulina™ is a funny icon
Flatulina™'s music is a funny wav
 Flatulina™ tickles my funny bone
 Flatulina™'s CD is a funny ass joke
write Flatulina™ a funny love poem
 listen to Flatulina™'s funny music and funny songs in your funny car
 Flatulina™ had this funny monkey picture of her former monkey, Scott
 At my birthday party, Flatulina™ told this really funny joke
 what are funny sms
 remember Flatulina™'s funny famous quote
play Flatulina™'s music for a funny prank
 do you want Flatulina™'s music or a funny msn name
give Flatulina™'s CD for a birthday funny joke
 download Flatulina™'s free funny video

Flatulina™ has her own brand of humor
it is OK for kids, not simply adult humor
 although Flatulina™'s music has no borders, the video is mostly american humor in its references
for most it is great recreation humor
Flatulina™'s CD is fart humor joke
Flatulina™ is classified often as twisted humor
Flatulina™ is very much college humor
Flatulina™ as a costume for halloween humor
Flatulina™'s puppies for peace campaign lends a touch of political humor
get Flatulina™ for holiday fun and humor
Flatulina™'s CD is clean enough to be christian humor
even though it has farts, Flatulina™'s CD is not sick humor
 Flatulina™'s CD is great for holiday office humor
Flatulina™'s CD has humor video on the enhanced CD content
what is humor grafico, we don't know, but we love Flatulina™!
 Flatulina™'s CD does not rely on sex humor
Flatulina™'s flirtatious way has a sort of sexy humor
 Flatulina™'s CD goes far beyond toilet humor
Flatulina™'s music is priceless humor
Flatulina™ could make a great humor cartoon
 Flatulina™.com is a great humor site
Flatulina™'s CD doesn't rely on dirty humor
 Flatulina™ is good for a little bit of military humor among the troops
I consider Flatulina™ to be very funny humor
even though there are farts, Flatulina™'s CD is clean humor
give Flatulina™'s CD for a bit of birthday humor
what is cse.unsw.edu.au flattery.html geoffo humor
Flatulina™'s video is clean enough for church humor
wear a Flatulina™ humor t shirt
what is humor pps
Flatulina™ is the ultimate christmas humor
pour some more Flatulina™ into the humor pot
Flatulina™ is often popular as adult college humor
warm up with the holidays and use Flatulina™ for a bit of thanksgiving humor
Flatulina™ has e card humor
 get Flatulina™'s funny CD as a bit of humor insurance
Flatulina™'s egreetings are a great humor card
Flatulina™ will keep you in good humor
many would say Flatulina™ rises above tasteless humor
Flatulina™ will fill your  house with humor
Flatulina™ is far beyond bathroom humor
 Flatulina™ has a terrific sense of humor
Flatulina™ is a different niche in satire and humor
 write Flatulina™ a humor poem
Flatulina™ could write her own humor column
 

Flatulina™'s music gives you more farts
 than any other music. Are they beer farts? It doesn't matter!
You may not hear elephant farts, or puppy dog farts, or pussy cat farts, but you might hear the occasional fish fart!
Flatulina™ is the premier maker of music with farts, girl!
you don't need to burp farts
 everyone knows farts are funny just like they are
 there is something delicate about female farts
 what makes farts smelly?
 are you a member of the beer farts forum
know someone who farts loud
know someone who farts stinky
find this website for  .com farts
are they little farts or big farts
she farts woman
but no in your face farts
it's rude to talk about if a farts wet
you can always create farts
it doesn't matter why do farts smell
who farts she
 can farts listen
 Flatulina™ lives in the farts matrix
how many farts type
 listen to farts free
 this is someone who farts on the poop deck
 did you say farts girl like smell who
Flatulina™ knows celebrity farts
better than farts jessica simpson
always have fun with farts
can your farts hear
this farts kind
 that farts old
did you ever ask why do farts stink
are beer farts nasty
what are beach beer farts
do your farts light
buy your farts online
 are your farts flaming
what can cause farts
Flatulina™ gives you farts farts farts.com
Flatulina™ out farts robin williams
she has no brain farts
she knows britney farts spears
she doesn't like cat farts
 she prefers dog farts
 who is beer farts roxy
 light the farts fire
 please don't burn farts
 find the farts matrix within
she is not fartellina fart farting farts
 find your own farts man
 she out farts robert tilton
could have some cartoon farts
are farts nasty
 better than beer farts midnitecrowproductions
 what are fart farts gas smell
can there actually be farting farts
perfect the fine art of farts lighting with your flatch matches!

 

How do you describe Flatulina™'s music?
She's got a fart music download.
 She's got a fabulous farting music video.
 If you want to hear a sample of Flatulina™'s music, you can hear a free music download.
Flatulina™'s CD is fragrance free music.
 This CD doesn't really need a music lyric.
 We eagerly await Flatulina™'s sheet music.
 Flatulina™ is great when you want to laugh and listen to music
 Flatulina™'s CD is available through yahoo music.
 Some people might classify it as country music, but we wouldn't.
If you giggle at gas, Flatulina™ is your music match.
 Can you find Flatulina™ on msn music?
 When making Flatulina™'s record, we couldn't find much halloween music.
 If you want to hear a snippet of mp3 music, we have some.
 Flatulina™ loves rock music.
 We don't understand why some are against music with farts.
Flatulina™'s got a fantastic funny music cd.
 Wouldn't it be nice if there was free sheet music?
 Hopefully it won't be long before Flatulina™ has more new music.
 Flatulina™ is affiliated with the digital download music services for thos whoare into downloading music.
 Flatulina™ doesn't usually listen to rap music.
 Flatulina™ has heard of bmg music.
You can get Flatulina™'s music online.
 Flatulina™ would love to perform at radio city music hall.
 Flatulina™'s CD is primarily fart sounds to the melodies of great classical music.
 Someday Flatulina™ will get an award on music radio.
 Flatulina™ is not against britney music spears.
 Listen to Flatulina™ for a fart music file.
 Flatulina™'s gas can really launch music in a whole new direction.
Flatulina™ has a song that is fun dance music with flatulent melodies.
 Flatulina™ is way into pop music.
Flatulina™ respects a good country music lyric.
Flatulina™ is capable of so much music.
 You can get Flatulina™'s CD is select music stores.
 If you are looking for something funny, thus ends your music search at Flatulina™.com.
 Flatulina™ hasn't really heard much indian music.
 Flatulina™'s CD makes a fabulous music gift for those with a good sense of humor.
 I would not recommend Flatulina™ for wedding music.
 Can you find Flatulina™ on music match juke box?
 How would she rank on a music chart?
 Flatulina™ knows nothing about arabic music.
 Flatulina™ likes some hip hop music.
 Flatulina™'s CD can be ranked with the great classics of christmas music.
 Flatulina™ would love to record some guitar music.
With a fast connection you can see Flatulina™'s snippet of her free music video.
Flatulina™ loves to play piano music.
 When she lived in Miami, Flatulina™ loved the latin music.
 Flatulina™ is a big fan of 80s music.
 Some could say Flatulina™'s CD is new age music, but it is not good for massages.
 Flatulina™'s gas is remarkably the sound of music we love to hear.
 Flatulina™'s CD is difficult to use for karaoke music.
 Flatulina™'s farts are a specific music note.
Put Flatulina™'s music in your music box.
 At this point, Flatulina™ does not have a music book.
So far, Flatulina™ has no piano sheet music.
Flatulina™ recorded her CD using some music software.
 Flatulina™ has yet to be seen on bet.com music.
 We want to see Flatulina™'s launch music video.
Flatulina™ has composed a great deal of  jazz music.
Flatulina™ listens to some alternative music.
Come here if you want to listen to free music on the snippets page.
 Flatulina™ knows nothing about celtic music.
 We don't have any free piano sheet music.
 Flatulina™n would love to be a part of billboard music's charts.
 Flatulina™ likes some spanish music.
 Flatulina™ simple as 123 music.
Flatulina™ likes techno music.
Buy Flatulina™'s CD if you ever buy music.
 Flatulina™ is a unique music artist.
 Flatulina™ is a great type of internet music.
 Flatulina™ may someday be affiliated with bmg music service.
 Flatulina™ knows nothing about hawaiian music.
 Flatulina™ is involved with downloadable music.
Flatulina™ has done some mixing music.
 Flatuina is her own music instrument.
 Flatulina™ has a fan music club.
Flatuolina loves world music.
 Flatuliona dislikes reggae music in general.
Flatulina™ loves the folk music in "A Mighty Wind".
 Flatulina™ listens to some irish music.
 Flatulina™ can be used for secret code music.
 We have yet another Flatulina™ music review.
 You can do so at Flatulina™.com if you want to listen to music online.
 Flatulina™ would love to have her own flatulent music festival.
Flatuline learned a lot in music school.
some of Flatulina™'s drum loops are classified as house music.
 She has a special place in the music industry.
 Flatulina™ enjoys blues music.
Flatulina™ offers some free mp3 music.
Flatulina™ is penetrating music radio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have just made a FABULOUS discovery!

You are about to become the coolest gift giver, and own the funniest holiday music in town! Once you get your hands on Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular as seen on Comedy Central, your holiday season will never be the same! In just 2 minutes this unique CD could be yours! It's so FAST & EASY!

Someone you know would love this CD!

Want to make people laugh? You need Flatulina™! This music gets results with the powerful combination of musical fart melodies and singing fish! Oh yes. Musical farts. It's extraordinary. It's exhillerating. It's exquisite. It's like nothing you've ever owned.

This music is good for your health!

Laughter is the best medicine: announcing doctor Flatulina™! This music is proven to give many people the benefits of deep healthy belly laughs that everyone loves. Who do you know that needs a good hearty laugh? (Is it YOU?)

This enhanced CD also has over 30 minutes of kid friendly video!

Put this CD in your computer and watch behind the scenes video footage of Flatulina™ living her fabulous life. This includes her FUN MUSIC VIDEO! Clever enough for grown ups, clean enough for young ones. Watch a preview.

All of the fun... none of the stink!

Nothing like the musical sound of flatulence and singing fish floating through the air to shake things up! Go ahead, get it, you know several people who would love this CD. You're thinking of someone right now aren't you?

Make noise at parties!

People will remember a party when you introduce them to this fun CD. There is nothing else out there like it. Hands down the most refined and elegant fart music available.

Mock documentary footage takes you back to Spinal Tap!

If you are a Christopher Guest fan, or a fan of movies like "This is Spinal Tap", "Waiting for Guffman", "Best in Show", or "The Gods Must be Crazy" you will definitely enjoy the video on the enhanced portion of this CD.

Order now before you forget! Save time and shop at home.

Flatulina™ wants to put FUN in the holidays for you and your loved ones! So, get Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular and let the festivities begin.

Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is the ideal gift for people who like to laugh and have fun!

If you are a gift giver who likes to laugh, make other people laugh, or give a present that makes people really respond, this is the CD for the occasion. This enhanced CD has professionally produced orchestral music to the tunes of classic Christmas songs, all with the special extra touch of musical fart melodies and singing fish!

This enhanced CD also has over 30 minutes of kid friendly video!

Put this CD in your computer and watch behind the scenes mock documentary footage of Flatulina™ living her fabulous life. Watch her working in the recording studio, see her friends give tearful testimonials of what she means to them, and watch her MUSIC VIDEO! It's intelligent enough for grown ups, but clean enough for young ones.

All of the fun... none of the stink!

Is there anyone you know who needs a good laugh, or just to loosen up a little bit? Is there anyone who tries to act all mature and grown up, but you know they are not? Nothing like sitting and listening to the musical sound of flatulence and singing fish floating through the air to shake things up. Go ahead, get it, you know several people who would love this CD. You're thinking of someone right now aren't you?

Many different kinds of humor for all ages...

Of course people think farts are funny. But beyond that is simply the incredible story of Flatulina™ which unfolds as you find your way through the enhanced content on this CD. Many have found great affection for Flatulina™ as they get caught up in her life story.

Make noise at parties!

People will remember a party when you are the one who introduces them to this fun CD. There is nothing else out there like it. This is hands down the most refined and elegant fart music available.

Flatulina™ has outranked Bob Rivers and Adam Sandler!

Last year, Flatulina™ held the #2 position on internet radio's novelty Christmas stations all holiday season, keeping Bob Rivers, Adam Sandler, Spinal Tap, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Bob & Doug McKenzie, Weird Al Yankovic, and Dr. Demento all in their places.

Mock documentary footage takes you back to Spinal Tap!

If you are a Christopher Guest fan, or a fan of movies like "This is Spinal Tap", "Waiting for Guffman", "Best in Show", or "The Gods Must be Crazy" you will definitely enjoy the video on the enhanced portion of this CD. Flatulina™ is fabulous and you've just got to meet her.

The Story of Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular...

Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is the spawn of a musician who chooses to remain anonymous. The webmaster was fortunate to catch up with this mastermind and ask a few questions.

Why not put your real name on the project?
Well "Flatulina™" seems so much more fitting. Plus, I don't want this to be the only thing I'm known for in my musical career. Weird Al Yankovic is an accomplished musician, but relatively few people want to hear his legit music. As long is this is from a character, then I can always put the character aside and do my other music which is not the least bit funny or flatulent.

Why fart music?
Farts are the first idea of humor many people have. Many children in their innocence giggle at flatulence like nothing else. Many adults too, even though they don't want to admit it. There is nothing morally wrong with a fart. Everyone farts. They do! I simply wanted to create a product for that niche market.

Isn't there enough fart music out there?
Many "fart themed humor" products out there are tacky, gross, and tasteless. Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is of a whole different caliber. The musical tracks are orchestral, mainly with farts and "singing fish" as the special touches which create my unique sound. Plus since I am a professional musician with a professional recording set up, it really is a much better production quality than the other fart music out there that I've heard.

How did you pick the songs for this project?
I mainly used public domain, non-sacred Christmas music. I avoided using any of the Christmas songs about Jesus, that would not be right. All of the songs on this CD have nothing to do with the Messiah, only your basic superficial Christmas music, or the great works from the "Nutcracker Suite" by Tchaikovski. I really developed an appreciation for his composing as I did this project.

Is there an artist out there who inspires you?
Tons of people. I think Dame Edna is hilarious. I appreciate people who have been successful in marketing funny music like Adam Sandler, Weird Al Yankovic, Dr. Demento, Bob Rivers, and of course we must give credit to Spinal Tap. Those songs were brilliantly done.

How is Flatulina™'s personality different from yours?
Flatulina™ and I are quite different in many ways. She has chronic hypergastrosplosia, I am hypoglycemic. She is the daughter of imaginary rock idol, Nigel Tufnel, and an albino circus clown named Bubbles Boutier from a one night fling. My parents are married and not nearly that interesting... well not that famous, but they are pretty quirky or let's face it, they wouldn't have had a child who would do a fart music CD. Flatulina™ comes from a place of being "fabulous". Through Flatulina™, I am learning to be more fabulous.

Why did you also do the video?
The video was actually not a part of the original vision for this project, but I'm so glad it happened. In the process of working on the music, some gear issues arose and I was unable to access my fart sounds for several months. I ended up using that time to film and edit the video. I'm very happy with how it turned out because there is nothing on there that is inappropriate for little kids to see. No bad language, no sexual content, no raunchy humor. She's just rather gassy. That's all.

What was your inspiration for the video?
Being a musician, as most musicians are, I'm a huge fan of the movie "This is Spinal Tap" and the whole mock documentary genre of movies. So I wanted to do a behind the scenes spoof on Flatulina™ as an artist and of her friends talking about how fabulous she is. In the video, the conversation has nothing to do with farts. There are no fart jokes in the dialogue. It is simply Flatulina™ living her life, and passing gas the entire time.

Why didn't you talk about farts?
I thought it would be funnier and more intelligent to let the farts just happen and have the content be about recording the fish choir, Flatulina™'s accomplishments, her fabulous life. The way I got around it was to make it so that Flatulina™ hates the word "fart" and to her THAT is "the f word". She kicks a record label exec out of the studio for saying "farting". She's very sensitive that way.

Was this a difficult project?
Absolutely, way more difficult than I anticipated. Many things went wrong. Many people flaked out on me. Many people made mistakes and cost me a lot of time in getting my product finished. I personally had many problems with my gear and lost access to my fart sounds for 5 months. In getting the enhanced content encoded, I used a company called Open Door Productions, and they really messed things up. When I got my master back, after the duplicating plant had started my order, I found that the entire enhanced content for Elvis Costello's CD was also on mine. After talking to an attorney I concluded that there was no way I could legally sell those CD's with someone else's copyrighted content on it. So I had to have them fix it, and they really took their sweet time. It completely screwed me up for the holiday season of 2002. So anyone out there, don't use Open Door Productions! They are bad bad bad. [But I'm not bitter...]

Do your parents know you did this?
Yes.

How do they feel about it?
They think it's funny. They are actually in the crowd of people on the CD cover. My nieces think it is really fun and always are asking to see the Flatulina™ video. They like it because the enhanced content is easy enough to navigate for a young child, and there is nothing on there that is for adults only.

Is there another Flatulina™ project in the future?
I've got it all in my head, but I also have other ventures which I'm equally as excited about, and on those, I will be putting my REAL name.

 

AUDIO CLIPS:
Listen to snippets from the incredible music of "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular" featuring Flatulina™ and her Fish Choir! Songs on the CD include:

Sleigh Ride
Deck the Halls
Jingle Bells
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Nutcracker Suite Medley
Dance of the Reed Pipes
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
Auld Lang Syne
Flatulina™'s Holiday Dance Mix

AND one secret bonus track! You will have to order the CD to find out!

 

About the Instruments:

Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular
was produced using the following gear and software...

Logic Audio
Reason
Roland JV-1080
Kazoo
Several glasses of water
A Paper Plate
Mac Titanium G4 Laptop Computer
AKAI Sampler
Neumann TLM 103 microphone
EXS 24 Sampler [software]

VIDEO:
Canon ZR45 Digital video camcorder
iMovie

How did you make farts into melodies?
The first trick was to just record hundreds of fart sounds. Once I got about 500 sounds recorded, I listened to each one and determined the actual pitch of the sound. Also, as any orchestrator would understand, I needed to give my self several types of fart sounds. Some long, some short, some squeaky, some rumblers, some light and airy, some aggressive and loud. So, the task was to group them according to their sound quality, and assign them to the keys of my keyboard so I could play a melody with them. The detail work came in when I knew I would often need to repeat a note and wouldn't want the same sound twice in a row. So I had to assign different velocities [how hard you strike the key] to different fart samples. That way I could cycle through 3 or 4 different fart sounds on any one note on any one bank of sounds. I ended up with about 6 different banks of fart sounds.

This worked well for me until we upgraded the version of Logic Audio to 5.0 and it suddenly became incompatible with various parts of gear in the chain of connections between the computer and the AKAI sampler where all of the fart sounds were located. Another problem was the issue that I had done all of the work in creating my sound banks on an older mac with SCSI connections, and then began actually sequencing the music on a the laptop which had firewire connections. So between the new incompatibility on the older computer and the lack of SCSI on the newer one, there was now no computer that would "talk" to the piece of gear which contained the fart sounds. I had planned to eventually convert the samples on the AKAI rack mounted sampler into EXS samples that I could use as a plug in to Logic on the laptop. Unfortunately the Translator software which claimed to have this ability wouldn't convert the Mesa format on the AKAI sampler to the EXS samples. After several complaints to the company, they finally released a version which did this specific translation, but there was a glitch and it put a pop at the beginning of each sample, making it useless.

I finally got around this problem by finishing my sequences of all of my songs on the laptop. Then bouncing them down as an audio 2 mix and putting them on an even OLDER Mac which had the SCSI connections and WOULD talk to the AKAI but lacked the speed to run Logic with all of the tracks I was using, or the EXS. I opened my audio 2 mix on that computer, programmed the fart sounds to that and then bounced the FART sounds down as a 2 mix solo, and took them back to the laptop with the original sequence where I could put them into the mix just as an audio track. But this process only happened after several other failed attempts and gear upgrades in trying to get the other computer to talk to the AKAI. All in all, I spent 5 months without access to my fart sounds. That was when I worked on the video, the graphics for the CD, and the Flatulina™ artist website. I also recorded the fish during that time.

Are the fart sounds real?
I'm not telling.

What is the "fish choir" and how did you record that?
The "singing fish" are basically just me and a glass of water gargling and singing into the mic. This is actually not easy. It is very hard to gargle, sing, and get good mic placement. First of all, it's bad to sing with your chin sticking up and out, strains the voice. But you can't gargle without having your chin up or else the water comes out of your mouth. So, I finally found that the easiest thing was to sit in a chair, put the mic so that it was facing down, then I would hit record, rest my head on the back of the chair so that in terms of gravity my mouth was upright, but since I was laying back, my chin could be in a normal position to sing. Then I gargled the notes. I had multiple passes so that I could have different sounds and also a group sound. If I had it to do all over again, I might have also pitched them up a little to make them sound more cartoonish, but considering all of the other drama going on with the project, I'm fortunate to have even gotten as far as I did.

What is the best way to mic a kazoo?
After trying several different mic positions on the kazoo, I believe the best one was to mic the kazoo so that the end of it was aimed just below the mic to avoid wind noise. Then the mic could record both the sound coming out of the end of the kazoo and the buzziness of the tissue paper diaphragm which gives the kazoo its trademark sound. In addition to this I used a paper plate with a hole cut in the middle of it. I put the mouth end of the kazoo through the paper plate and used the plate as a reflective sound shield to send the sound toward the mic. Once I started doing this, it made a big difference.

How much video is on the enhanced part of the CD?
There are about a dozen different video clips totaling over 30 minutes. Some are mock documentary footage of Flatulina™ in the recording studio working on recording her "fish choir". Other clips are friends telling how fabulous Flatulina™ is in a testimonial style, and then there is also a Flatulina™ music video which we realized seemed like something we should obviously do if we were going to shoot video.

The problem with that was, I had originally planned for the dance mix to be a medley of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. That was the dance mix that I programmed, and that was what I edited the music video to. But after getting the video edited to those songs, it occurred to me, now that we have put these copyrighted songs to actual video footage, it is no longer just an issue of getting a mechanical license to record those songs. I also needed a sync license to have permission to put it to video. The problem is, a mechanical license [if you are only going to record it] is compulsory, all you do is just let them know you are going to record the song, and pay the amount. But a sync license is NOT compulsory, so the publishing company which owns the rights to a copyrighted song can always say that you can't use it. Once I realized this, I made efforts to get a sync license for those songs, but time was passing and they were dragging their feet, so I ended up having to replace those melodies with other non-sacred, public domain Christmas songs. [If it's public domain you can do whatever you want with it.] So then I had to try to put these new songs in to match the editing on the video, which had been edited to the phrasing of the other songs. Not the most efficient way to do a music video, but I got it done.

How did you edit the video?
This was another nightmare. Since the video was an afterthought, I just did it with a consumer grade video camera and iMovie which came free with my laptop. I had no idea how much video I would end up with, how long it would take to edit, and how many problems I would have using iMovie. The thing about iMovie is, you work from a clip board and make your video on a workspace below. So once I got all of my little video clips imported and named [my building blocks] I realized there was no "save as" function which meant that unless I wanted to go through the hassle of creating these little building blocks with each video segment, I needed to just assemble ALL of the video clips in the same file. I ended up with a 30 minute file, a ridiculously long file considering what iMovie was intended to do. One of the problems with iMovie is that once you put something where you want it, those little suckers will just slide all over when you are not looking. I had carefully place fart sounds to coincide with hand gestures or spaces in dialogue, hundreds of them, and they would just move around. Then I would spend a half hour just trying to put them all back where they belonged. This happened more times than is at all acceptable. I will never use iMovie again for this type of project, that is not what it was intended for.

About the artist:

Many people who come to this site have one question: "Who is this person!?" They want to know what twisted and lovely individual would create this project and offer it to the world. Who? The musician behind the behind, the mastermind of all of this fabulosity, the diva of flatulence, inventor of flatomusicology, and trainer of singing fish. We can't tell you WHO she is, but we can tell you a little about her.

This woman who we will refer to as "The Great Mastermind" [TGM] is actually a well educated and successful musician. TGM has been a professional musician for many years working in the music industry in several capacities both as a writer and performer.

TGM got her start in music at a very young age, taking piano lessons in grade school, singing in choir, and yes, playing in the marching band. She eventually decided to go to college and major in music, and followed that up by getting a master's degree in music from a very prestigious university.

Now, besides peddling this very fart music CD, TGM is a part of a music production company which regularly writes, records, and produces music for commercials, and commercially released products for major record labels and music companies.

You, the reader of this site and future owner of "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular" may have heard a jingle on your television that was written by TGM. You or someone you know may own a recording graced by the voice of TGM, or by a song written by TGM. But we can't be too specific or else we would blow her cover.

Why then would a successful and working musician take a trip down flatulence boulevard and release this project? TGM is just that quirky, outrageous, and versatile. You can read TGM's candid thoughts on the "story" page of this site.

We at Fabulation Records ask that you try to contain your excitement until you have correctly submitted your payment information. We also extend our best wishes for this holiday season!

REVIEWS
Flatulina™: Music of the Blight
by hairy pooter with http://www.poopreport.com

Everyone owns a holiday CD or ten. Bing Crosby, Willy Nelson, Meadow Soprano, or maybe even Neil Diamond (wait -- isn't he Jewish?). Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular sports the same host of standards -- but instead of warm, soothing, familiar voices compelling us to deck the halls, its Flatulina™'s hyperactive anus. Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is the latest (and possibly only) album from Flatulina™, the self-professed "sassy gassy diva" who pioneered the study of Flatomusicology. These are more than just sampled fart noises played over a rock beat on your little brother's Casio -- these are some intricately arranged, destined-to-be-classic songs with legitimate and impressive production values...
What truly makes this CD great is Flatulina™'s incredible versatility. It's not like every C-note is always the same fart; there are many different farts of varying duration, depth and moisture-content for each note on the scale. Some are obviously armpit noises or tongued simfarts -- but even these are enjoyable, and become more so with each listen.
BUT WAIT--there's more! Don't feel like you got stuck with the end of the roll when the 16 minute audio portion of the CD is done -- there's a comprehensive interactive portion to the CD that's viewable on your computer! With far more production quality than could ever be expected from such a venture, we get to experience the full Flatulina™ story. This is the story of the woman behind the behind -- conveying the life of an innocent superstar who rises to take command of the music industry.
Also, she's pretty foxy, so if you are one of those dudes who get off on gassy chicks, this is definitely the CD for you.
Oh, my lovely Flatulina™...
The best part of the movies and interviews is that Flatulina™, ever the consummate musician, is inadvertently farting the whole time (although don't use that word around her! She'll flip out. It's scary). There are some strange high-concept jokes about her dad being in Spinal Tap, but all is forgiven an instant later when she rips several juicies in the middle of another person's sentence.
I realize this review comes too late for Christmas, but that doesn't matter -- the true gem on this CD is the flatupello solo of Auld Lang Syne. You know your New Year's party is going to end with one version of this song or another -- you might as well make it interesting by playing this one....
I'm still not sure if Flatulina™ is legitimate art or just a Halloween costume taken too far, but with each listen I get more and more enamored with her...
-- Hairy Pooter

Poopreports.com Review
by Dave at poopreport.com
At first, Flatulina™'s album is just a fun collection of popular Christmas tunes with fart noises carrying the melodies. Fun for the whole family.
But then you put the CD in your computer, and you enter the world of Flatulina™: gorgeous. Stunning. Silky white hair like an angel's halo. A diva who has taught a fish to sing. A brave pioneer who has turned her chronic hypergastroplosia into a gift for all humanity. A woman who will entrance you with her flatual prowess, and make you fall in love.

KICKBACK WATCH: None, but after experiencing her CD, I'm in love with the Fabulous Flatulina™, and hope desperately to curry her favor.

Feature from christmasreviews.com
by Christmasreviews.com
I found Flatulina™'s, um, offering more attractive than I thought I would. But I had left plenty of room. Actually, I should be happy when an artist such as Flatulina™ is kind enough to send something so easy to write about. So, let's get started.
The first thing you notice about Flatulina™'s release is that she is quite full of herself and eager to toot her own horn. Also, through a series of testimonials on the video portion of the enhanced CD, a number of her friends and fans happily spill the beans about Flatulina™'s unique charm. One senses that the way she elicits such an outpouring on the part of her fans is through her unique aura, an effervescence that causes heads to turn whenever she passes. Not to mention the cheesy outfit she wears as she shakes her talented booty all over Hollywood.
OK, I'll stop.
Soon, I expect to be hearing more from Flatulina™ on morning radio, particularly from the likes of the Bob and Tom Show. In the meantime, I'll satisfy myself with the music video and songs from Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular. As advertised, this CD is appropriate for all ages... Finally, it should be noted that Flatulina™ gets "two beaks up" from Flip and Charlie (the parakeets), who happily sang along all evening with Flatulina™'s dance mix.
Flatulina™ is clearly in a class by herself, and with good reason.

Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular
from mistletunes.com
If this had come from somebody in the Howard Stern orbit, I would have probably dismissed it out of hand. But I have to give Flatulina™ credit for shameless promotion, myth-making and plagiarism beyond the call of duty. Some examples: Her dad was Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap. Her boyfriend is noted film director Alan Smithee, whom she met when she composed the musical score for the film they both were working on, "Rochelle Rochelle." Her previous boyfriend was Chris Gaines. She played the role of Maris Crane on "Frazier." And so on. John Lennon said it best: "Good artists borrow. Great artists steal." You can decide which one she is when I tell you what's actually on the CD -- nine cuts of classic carols in which she farts the melody lines, except for "Dance of the Reed Pipes." There also are some examples of "singing fish" on the CD, but you'll have to wade through the enhanced CD portion of this album to learn what that's all about. While this is a one-joke novelty record, Flatulina™ manages to make the absolute most of the gag.

"SENSATIONAL"... "EXPLOSIVE"
by B. Jones
"FINALLY...an artist who captures the true state of being flatulent... Flatulina™ is a sensation... her Flatulency is explosive... can't imagine the holiday without 'the queen of steam'... this chicks alimentary canal flows with stinky, steamy, poots... not just another Christmas album... Flatulina™ and Co. have created a true American classic... I love it"

Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular
by B. Sirles
What gassy class! This is the album of my dreams! Mixing the best season of the year with the best sounds of the year. Flatulina™ is sure to not be a "passing" fad. Her ingenuity is refreshing and worthy of a loud toot of her horn! The dance mix has a great beat and I can dance to it - that's tops in my book! Buy one every CD player you own and one for every person you know! Viva la fabulosity!

Unbelievable!
by J.S.
This CD is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites!  It's perfect for holiday fun and festivities, and provides a party atmosphere any other time of the year as well.  I'm especially impressed with the superior production techniques used to accompany a diverse fish choir.  The overall musicality expressed on this recording is unbelievable.  Flatulina™ is an artist of many talents and her stunning creativity is obviously the driving force of the project.  Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is quickly becoming a "must-have" for all CD collections!

You gotta see the enhanced CD portion!
by L. Brad
Flatulina™'s... um.. "music" is unique and very funny and I guarantee you will love it. BUT.... you've GOT to put this CD in your computer and watch the enhanced CD videos! She is a riot!!!! We were all watching it at work (we were all on break -- honest) and we were cracking up! There's all these videos of her on the beach, on the street in Hollywood, being interviewed, in the studio.... they've got interviews with her friends and colleagues. She is so original. And if you're afraid it's going to be offensive, I swear, it's NOT. It's edgy but it's also cute and adorable and you just want to take her home. I really recommend it!

 

 

September 2003

The Fabulous One is keeping in touch with her fans from the road as her "Feel the Heat" tour takes her across the coast of Antarctica. As this news update is being posted, is also accompanied by the online journals of , Flatulina™'s good friend and road manager, and , Flatulina™'s former boyfriend and current stalker. Fans may post messages to The Fabulous One, and as time permits she will respond to her adoring public.

August 2003
Flatulina™ being stalked by EX
The Fabulous One is being stalked by her ex-boyfriend Alan Smithee. Her publicist released the following statement: "Although Dr. Boutier always aims to end her romantic relationships with an amicable exchange, Mr. Alan Smithee is psychotic and was uncooperative in her attempts to break off their relationship." Mr. Smithee was last seen peering out of the living room window of his secluded castle where the curtains were tightly drawn. He was unwilling to make a public statement.

July 2003
F! Magazine special issue of The Fabulous One
F! Magazine is putting out a special Flatulina™ only issue of it's magazine this month. It contains 189 pages in full color glossy glory with reprinted interviews from Flatulina™'s career, a list of the Top 20 Flatulina™ moments on Frasier, and a discussion of Flatulina™'s best song of all time as voted by fans and fellow musicians. Expected retail price is $19.95.

June 2003
FlatchFest 2003!
Merchants, vendors, and fans all packed the rooms at Flatulina™'s FlatchFest 2003! Special guests were Hortense Faith, [Flatulina™'s frizzy haired, moustache wearing, lazy eyed, unibrow friend who can't speak clearly], J Crew, Vic Glick, and L'Monjello. People were swimming in the Flatulina™ memorabilia, going mad over the raffles and contests, and awestruck by the large projection screen of The Fabulous One. Overall, it was a huge success!

May 2003
Official "Feel the Heat" Tour Merchandise is available!
Those of us who are not able to fly to Antarctica to see one of The Fabulous One's shows are thrilled to announce that Official "Feel the Heat" tour merchandise is available stateside through Of course there are a lot of other great merchandise items available as well, but the "Feel the Heat" items are a limited supply.

 

April 2003
"Feel the Heat" Tour begins with a bang on the West coast of Antarctica.
Flatulina™ and her fish were warmly received by the tens of thousands of native Antarcticans who lined the streets of the capital city as she drove through in her limo. Her show was equally as appreciated by the chronically chilled community. When asked why she chose Antarctica as the locale for her shows, she thoughtfully replied, "They really need heat."

 

March 2003
Flatulina™ "Feel the Heat" Tour comes under fire!
The courts ruled against Flatulina™ in a heated debate over the air quality risks. It is with sad hearts that we must report that all tour dates which were previously schedule in the U.S. and Canada are now cancelled. Ticket money will be refunded. In protest, Flatulina™ has made the decision to conduct the majority of her performances on the continent of Antarctica, her native land.

 

February 2003
Environmentalist groups up in arms over Flatulina™ tour.
The Fabulous One is surrounded in controversy as left wing environmentalists are lobbying to have her concerts banned in not only the continental United States, but the entire continent of North America. Fans and supporters held vigil while awaiting the courts ruling of whether the tour dates will be allowed in the United States and Canada.

 

January 2003
Flatulina™ is preparing to go on TOUR!
After her whirlwind success with the Christmas season, the Diva is not resting for long as she and her fish are diligently working to prepare for her "Feel the Heat" Tour which begins in April. So far her performances have been selling out as quickly as they become available, illustrating how Flatulina™'s popularity is gaining.

November 2002
Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is now available!
Many of us have waited quite some time for this day and it is finally here! The Fabulous One's debut CD is now available and you won't want to delay in getting yourself a copy as I'm sure they are going to go very quickly. Fanclub members can look forward to outtakes and additional video available in the fanclub members only area of this website. After hearing and seeing this project, I am only more convinced of the fabulousness of our darling diva. In the words of rock icon B.B. Barcus "There is no diva like Flatulina™". Well said, B.B. Well said.

September 2002
New Photos of Flatulina™
After the inexcusable server failure of last month, we have replaced all of the lost pictures from the sight with new images from Flatulina™’s upcoming CD. Those of you who dowloaded photos from the image archives before the electrical glitch be sure to hold onto them as the archives will no longer be available on this site. However, we are all excited to see what our little Sassy Sister has been up to! We are even more excited than ever to get ahold of this much anticipated Holiday Spectacular!

August 2002
Modern Diva Magazine Features Flatulina™
Modern Diva Magazine is recognizing The Fabulous One in an article and photo spread due out this month. We cannot wait to read what Flatulina™ has to say next. Be sure to run out and get your copy.

July 2002
Official Denial of Pregnancy
Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, Flatulina™ Boutier is clearly stating that she is not pregnant with the baby of her long time boyfriend Alan Smithee. Dr. Boutier’s publicist released the following statement to the press, “I'm aware of reports stating that Flatulina™’s father confirmed her pregnancy, but this is impossible not only because of Flatulina™’s public commitment to chastity until marriage, but also because Alan Smithee is a eunuch.” Flatulina™’s father is Nigel Tufnel of the band Spinal Tap and is rumored to use drugs frequently.

June 2002
Coming Soon: Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular! Debut Cd and Video
In a press release that seems too good to be true, The Fabulous One is working on her debut CD and video! Current title is “Flatulina™’s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular” and the tentative release is scheduled for November of this year. We can hardly wait!

May 2002
Former Monkey Encounters Senator Hillary Clinton
In a little publicized encounter, Flatulina™’s former monkey “Scott” had the opportunity to meet Senator Hillary Clinton as she toured the monkey farm at which he's lived since the “überdiva of the universe” pageant in 2000. Reports claim that the monkey took the opportunity to throw a large chunk of poo at the former first lady and hit her square in the face.
He died mysteriously a few days later. An investigation is underway to determine if there was foulplay.

March 2002
Standing Ovation at Academy Awards
The first glimpse of Flatulina™ prompted a spontaneous standing ovation at the Academy Award ceremony this year. Oscar buzz before the ceremony was that The Fabulous One would be attending, her first appearance since her incredible win in the early 90’s for her film score of the movie “Rochelle Rochelle”. Flatulina™ was caught off guard when she got up to go to the powder room, and nearby celebs caught wind of her presence. They unanimously showed their great affection for the Fabulous One by their loud applause.

February 2002
E! Channel in Antarctica Airing 72 Hour Flatulina™thon
Fanclub members in Antarctica will be excited to know that the E! Channel in Antarctica is airing a 72 hour Flatulina™thon! This will include footage of Flatulina™ inspired oil paintings by European artists, and heartfelt testimonials by Hollywood's A List in tribute to our Diva of All Things Fabulous.

January 2002
Flatulina™ is New Face of Middle America Journal of Flatomusicology
Off to the newsstands again! The lovely Flatulina™ is appropriately the face of the new magazine “Middle America Journal of Flatomusicology”. She is going to be outfitted in a mermaid costume and swimming in a tank of colorful saltwater fish. Reports state that they couldn't photograph the real fish choir as they have a fear of cameras.

December 2001
Flatulina™ Reigns Supreme in Squatney, England
Recent findings show that the Flatulina™ tattoo is by far the most popular image at the local tattoo parlors in Squatney, hometown of her father Nigel Tufnel of the band “Spinal Tap”. We are just waiting for that movement to come this side of the ocean so we can all partake of the fabulous trend stateside.

October 2001
The Next Tambourine Goddess?
After a 2 month vacation and extended time with family, Flatulina™ is gaining recognition again, but this time for her little publicized talent of tambourine playing. Tambourine Today Magazine named Flatulina™ as the greatest female tambourine player of all time second only to freckle faced Tracy Partridge.

July 2001
Flatulina™ Advising in Development of The Middle America Journal of Flatomusicology
The ever-motivated Flatulina™ is now serving as advisor in development of a new magazine entitled The Middle America Journal of Flatomusicology, which will be a quarterly publication. This magazine is being created in response to the growing interest in the field of flatomusicology after her pioneering work at the Boondy Conservatory. “It has caught on like wildfire,” says a Boondy representative, “almost as if you had ignited a natural gas as it was being powerfully released into the atmosphere.”

June 2001
Flatulina™'s Tiara Appearing in New Exhibit
Flatulina™’s former tiara will be appearing in a new exhibit. The ruby encrusted crown worn by Dr. Boutier on her “Everyone Can Be Fabulous” campaign is currently on display in the International Glamour museum. She also recently graced the wings of Carnegie Hall as her father's band “Spinal Tap” launched their much awaited “Back from the Dead” tour.

May 2001
Graduating With Honors From Boondy Conservatory
Well fans, she's done it again. Dr. Boutier is graduating from the Boondy Conservatory this month with highest honors and a letter of congratulations from the President of the United States. She successfully created the field of flatomusicology, which in the words of the President “will only begin to show its true impact in our generation.”

April 2001
Celebrity 100 list of Superstar Weekly Magazine
Miss Flatulina™ Fontanelle Boutier has shown up on the Celebrity 100 list of Superstar Weekly Magazine. She ranks at number 12. Of course, we think she should have topped the list, but some magazines are less discriminating!

February 2001
Flatulina™ Wannabe Try Outs
The Flatulina™ Wannabe try outs yielded significantly more wannabes than anticipated. After a week of auditions of the more than 10,000 women [and men] who showed interest, the finalists were notified and will be making public appearances for various charity events.

January 2001
Flatulina™lives.jpg Virus
Flatulina™.jpg virus. Warning!! There is a very damaging computer virus circulating on the internet labeled as “Flatulina™lives.jpg”. Please do not open any email you receive from an unknown sender with that attachment as it will cause your hard drive to emit rude noises randomly.

November 2000
Major Break Throughs With Fish Choir!
We are excited to announce major break throughs with the fish choir! They have successfully mastered one song and are slated to give a command performance for the Pope this Christmas in Rockefeller Center.

August 2000
Heading Into 2nd Year at Boondy Conservatory
Flatulina™ is heading into her 2nd year of work at the Boondy Conservatory where she is determined to overcome the loss she experienced this summer. She will set out to train an entire fish choir to sing in harmony with one another. We are all behind you in your noble work, Flatch! March on!!

July 2000
Tragedy Has Struck
Just as Flatulina™ was ready to perform in the talent phase of the “überdiva of the universe” pageant, an undisclosed
event occurred which resulted in the untimely death of Clementine, her first singing fish. Flatulina™ had rehearsed a duet with her singing fish for the pageant, and in addition to her tremendous emotional grief was unable to compete and was thus disqualified from the final phase of the pageant. We are all silenced by this loss.

June 2000
"Diva of the Universe” Pageant
Check your local TV listings for coverage of the “Überdiva of the Universe” pageant. Our darling Flatulina™ is going to compete. “I am simply interested in the scholarship, as the Boondy conservatory is quite expensive, and I've given much of my Maris money to charity.” We are all cheering for you, Flatch!

April 2000
Clementine the Wonderfish
We have just received the incredible news that The Fabulous One has broken through the musical/wildlife boundary. She has taught her first fish to sing! Clementine is a rare and exotic breed of wonderfish, and boasts an impressive 2 octave range, which in fish octaves is like 6 human octaves.

February 2000
Flatulina™’s Shoes Fetch Record Price
Flatulina™’s shoes fetch a record price in online sales. A recent auction on eBay by one of the larger collectors of celebrity items garnered an unprecedented $453,251 dollars for a pair of pink glittered pumps that Flatulina™ wore when she won her Oscar. Miss Boutier simply requested that part of the money go to the Chronic Hypergastrosplosia [CHG] charity she often promotes.

November 1999
Flatulina™ In Top 3 of 100 Most Fabulous Women of All Time!
World's most fabulous women revealed in a magazine poll. Flatulina™ is listed in the top 3 women in a poll of the 100 most fabulous women of all time in Diva Today Magazine. She takes 3rd after Mary Mother of Jesus, and Oprah.

October 1999
Bonnie St. Claire Severely Injured in Jiffy Pop Accident
Blaine, MO. The real Bonnie St. Claire, the person who inspired the character our Fabulous One so brilliantly portrayed in 1996’s hit movie “Waiting for Guffman”, was severely injured today in a bizarre Jiffy pop accident. She is in stable condition in the Blaine Memorial Hospital and is expected to be release in 2 days. Flatulina™ is planning to visit her tomorrow to lift her spirits and teach her about kitchen safety.

August 1999
Flatulina™ Auctioning Trademark Japanese Fan to Help Find Cure for CHG
Flatulina™ is auctioning one of her trademark Japanese fans for charity. This incredible piece of The Fabulous One's collection goes up for auction starting August 24th on eBay. All proceeds go to finding the cure for Chronic Hypergastrosplosia [CHG].

June 1999
Flatulina™ Accepted to Boondy Conservatory
Flatulina™’s unquenchable fire for greater learning is still burning, as she has recently been accepted at the internationally famed and exceedingly exclusive Boondy Conservatory. She is intent on developing the field of “flatomusicology” which she defines as “the study of music created by bubbles”. You go Flatulina™!

April 1999
Nominated for 2 MTV Antarctica Awards
The Fabulous One was nominated for 2 MTV Antarctica Awards this last week. She will fly there for the awards ceremony in May.

February 1999
Flatulina™ on the Cover of Divalicious! Magazine
Time to hit those newsstands again folks! This time look for Flatulina™ on the cover of Divalicious! Magazine. Inside is also a 10 page exposé on The Fabulous One, showing photos of her glorious home, and discussing her intellectual accomplishments, superlative style, and compassion for humanity.

November 1998
Fundraiser With Martha Stewart to Find Cure for CHG
Miss Boutier is enlisting the help of Martha Stewart in hosting the most fabulous of all fund raisers. All proceeds from the $5,000 a plate dinner will go to assist in research for finding the cure to CHG [Chronic Hypergastrosplosia].

August 1998
Flatulina™ in "Scuba Diva" Magazine
Everyone rush to your local newsstand. The Fabulous One is gracing the cover of this month's issue of “Scuba Diva” magazine.

July 1998
Flatulina™ Nominated in 3 Categories for Upcoming 1st Annual Ghetto Superstar Awards in Antarctica
More award nominations for The Fabulous One. Flatulina™ was nominated in 3 categories for the upcoming 1st Annual Ghetto Superstar awards in Antarctica. Awards will be announced at the end of this month.

June 1998
Win a Lifelike Oil on Velvet Portrait
Flatulina™ fans can win a lifelike oil on velvet portrait of Our Lady of Spectacularity, painted by Spanish artist Patricio Torro. To register, send your name and address on a 4X5 notecard to the fanclub address. Winner will be drawn 7/11/1998.

May 1998
Graduating From the A.S.S. Institute
Flatulina™ is graduating from the A. S. S. Institute with her Master's Degree in Music Technology. We are all eagerly awaiting her return to the celebrity life as we have certainly missed her in the media.

March 1998
Overseas as Good Will Ambassador to Antarctica
Miss Boutier is currently overseas as a good will ambassador to Antarctica. The President himself requested her expertise in the area of human relations, as the highly privatized tension between the U.S. and the icy continent has continued to mount. Flatulina™ did not at first accept the commission due to her personal convictions about the Clinton Presidency, but later acquiesced for the greater good of our great nation, and because it coincided with her Spring Break.

February 1998
Crazed Stalker Penetrated Security at A.S.S. Institute
Breaking news recently reported that a crazed stalker penetrated security at the A. S. S. Institute where Flatulina™ is currently finishing up her Master's Thesis in underwater recording technology. He claimed that Flatulina™ was his wife and had promised she would be with him for their anniversary. Fortunately Flatulina™’s body guards were able to subdue him before he actually made any physical contact with The Fabulous One. Flatulina™ handled the matter with supreme coolness stating “I may be frail & pale on the outside, but I'm tough on the inside,” and didn't lose much time in going back to her work. The stalker who's name is being withheld from the public has been institutionalized until further legal matters can be settled. An A. S. S. Institute spokesperson has assured the press that increased security measures are being taken at the Key Biscayne tunnel entrance, and only registered students will be allowed to drive down to the facility.

January 1998
Departure From Frasier Show
It is to our great disappointment that Flatulina™ made the public statement today confirming her departure from the Frasier show. She stated that there are no ill feelings in the matter, she and the network are on amicable terms. She simply needed the freedom to be focused during her last semester of work at the A. S. S. Institute. Station representatives also issued the following statement, “Miss Boutier has truly been a shining beacon of what we all strive for in this industry, and we will certainly miss her. We wish her great success in her musical pursuits.”

December 1997
Flatulina™ Requested at Private Performance of Chris Gaines for British Royal Family
Flatulina™ was requested at the private performance that her dear friend Chris Gaines gave for the British Royal Family. At their bequest, she performed a duet of the song “Driftin’ Away” with Chris. Chris has confirmed that it was indeed Flatulina™’s dear friendship that inspired that song, which is known as his most truthful love song. Despite his long known infatuation with Flatulina™, she insists that they really are “just great friends”.

November 1997
World Famous Photographer “Armondo” Opened Exhibit at American Museum of Natural Women Featuring Flatulina™
World famous photographer “Armondo” has recently opened an exhibit at the American Museum of Natural Women. His photo series simply entitled “fabulous” is comprised of black and white photographs of The Fabulous One. Traffic to the exhibit has set records since the opening of the museum in 1976. The photos will be on display until next summer when
they will be moved to the private gallery of Sgt. Orville Pepper.

October 1997
Fabulous One Wins Third Emmy for Portrayal of Maris Crane on Frasier Show
We are elated to announce that our beloved Fabulous One has won her third Emmy for her brilliant portrayal of Maris Crane on the Frasier Show. For the 3rd year running she was voted “best non-speaking off-screen character”. Of course she accepted the award with her typical squeeks of delight and gracious flair and made mention of each of the other nominees in her acceptance speech. Congratulations Flatulina™!

August 1997
Official Launch of Flatulina™’s World Online!
Welcome! We are officially launching Flatulina™’s Fabulous World! This is a website for the thousands of people who have grown to adore Flatulina™ over the past several years and want to keep up with whatever she does next. All fanclub members will be automatically enrolled in the Flatulina™ email list for updates and appearances. In order to commemorate this occasion, The Fabulous One has written us a note herself.

“Hello all of my sweet fans! I am so excited to finally have an official website. Please forgive the delays in its construction, as my mom always said 'creating fabulousness is like growing a rosebush.' Please enjoy this site and be good to your loved ones! Love and kisses to you all, Flatulina™”

As many of you devoted fans already know, Flatulina™ is currently living at the Atlantis Subaquatic Studies Institute, which is an underwater education facility off the coast of Miami. She is in her second year pursuing the development of underwater recording technology, and reports are that she has exceeded all expectations in her achievements.

 

Who is Flatulina™?
She's sassy, she's classy, and just a little gassy!

Multi-Emmy award winning Diva and flatomusicology pioneer, Flatulina™ Fontanelle Boutier is the consummate success story. Born into humble beginnings, Flatulina™ has a lifetime account of turning scars into stars
and troubles into bubbles. Her fabulous attitude is a breath of
air for all who meet her. Your senses won't know what hit them!

Flatulina™ is the love child of Bubbles Cleopatra Boutier, a relatively unknown circus clown, and legendary rock idol Nigel Tufnel, of the band Spinal Tap. During childhood Flatulina™ lived the life of a young carney. Her mother's clowning career kept her on the road with various carnivals and circuses; her father was in rock-rehab during Flatulina™'s formative years.

Having grown up as the daughter of a rock star while befriending clowns, monkeys, and other sundry show mammals, Flatulina™ decided to pursue a degree in commercial music. Although it seemed absurd, Flatulina™ was determined to wed her assorted passions: music, bubbles, mammals, self-esteem and scuba-diva's. In Flatulina™ fashion, a new-fangled musical genus was incepted. Unfortunately, during this time her mother was fatally wounded in a tragic balloon animal incident. Flatulina™'s world was changed forever. Having no other immediate family besides her father, she chose to accompany him on his "Break Like the Wind" tour as a way of coping with her loss. Flatulina™ admits that this did not prove to be the bonding experience she was hoping for; still, her father's scent lingers deep inside her.

Fascinated by altruism, Flatulina™ began shadowing a local gastrointestinal doctor. During this stint, she met long time friend, Chris Gaines, during his extended hospitalization due to his highly publicized car accident. This friendship is one of her most esteemed. Chris introduced Flatulina™ to Hollywood's A-list. Her bubbly talents and fabulous airs were indelible. Before long Flatulina™ was asked to compose the film score for the feature film "Rochelle Rochelle." She is the youngest composer ever to win an Oscar for a film score. During this time she also became romantically acquainted with the film's director Alan Smithee.

After winning an Oscar for her musical work, Flatulina™ felt there was still something missing. She had a reoccurring dream of possibility buried at sea. Following her senses, she applied for an opportunity to study at the exclusive Atlantis Subaquatic Studies Institute, a small facility on the ocean floor off the coast of Miami. She was the first student ever at the A.S.S. Institute to do a music related study; her goal was to develop special equipment for recording music under water. "I just thought it was really important to have the option of recording fabulous sounding music under water; it was the missing link," explains Ms. Boutier. By the time she wrote her master's thesis, she had successfully created a technical process for musical recording under water, graduating with honors and a Master's degree in music technology.

Flatulina™'s acting career also began to flourish as she and Alan Smithee's romance ensued. Through his introductions, Flatulina™ auditioned for and landed the role of Bonnie St. Claire in the movie "Waiting for Guffman". Generous accolades in her debut role led her to the critically acclaimed portrayal of the elusive and quirky Maris Crane on the sitcom "Frasier". She flew coast to coast during her years of study at the A.S.S. Institute on the weeks her character was written into the script. "It's not a life for everybody, but it keeps me bubbly and alert," says Ms. Boutier.

Flatulina™ claims that inspiration coupled with insomnia is the framework for her life changing epiphany. "One late night I had a stomach ache. I got up, went to the kitchen, cut some cheese, and then it hit me: train fish to sing. The rest is history," recalls Ms. Boutier. In the wake of this insight, she enrolled at the Boondy Conservatory and proceeded to invent the field of flatomusicology, officially defined as "the study of music created by bubbles." The focus of her doctoral dissertation was training fish to mimic melodies. She was eventually able to implement her underwater recording equipment from the A.S.S. Institute and record the first ever fish choir.

It is the musical marriage of Flatulina™'s underwater technology, her trained singing fish, and her own explosive talents, in which the effervescent sounds of "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular" are bred. No longer are bubbles just for baths or fish for catching on small poles. Flatulina™ flouts stereotypes, defying all musical boundaries. Flatulina™ paid attention to the rumblings within her; graciously, she's now sharing them with the masses. It's a grin. It's a gas. Simply put: it's fabulous!

Dear Flatch,
I have uncontrollable gas, and it's very embarrassing. How do I know if I have chronic hypergastrosplosia like you?

Chronic Hypergastrosplosia [CHG] is a tragic disease which has literally afflicted dozens of people since the dawn of creation. The genetic predisposition to CHG is extremely rare since both parents must be carriers. In such cases, the child will definitely be a carrier, however they won't actively suffer from CHG unless one of the parents is also an albino. Then the child will most definitely be afflicted with active CHG, which will be evident within the first few days of the baby's life. For such a condition there is no cure, however there is one specific natural herbal supplements available in the mountains of Madegascar which can minimize the severity of the symptoms.

If you do not have one parent who is an albino, then you do not have CHG, but you may be classified under a larger umbrella of conditions called "megaflatosis". Only a qualified medical pracitioner can make such a diagnosis.

Dear Flatulina™, who is your best friend?

I actually have a lot of great friends, some of whom you might have seen on the video from the enhanced portion of my CD, "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular". But also, some of my long time friends are Rycky and Myndy Skynyrd [twins], we grew up playing together whenever the circus was in the same town as where their dad was giving a concert [I grew up travelling with the circus]. I also used to go to summer camp with Sissy Zeppelin, but we've since lost touch. The people I see most often now are Chris Gaines [since his career is at a virtual halt], Hortense Faith [when she's not in Switzerland], and Tootie Tull [when she's not in rehab... afrin addiction.]

I do have this weird 4th cousin [once removed] Vic, he's nice but can be a bit clingy. And then there is my dear friend Miley [http://www.mileyandbb.com]. She's going to be a rock star someday. I'm using my fame to help her as much as I can.

As far as a BEST friend goes, I'd have to say... myself.

 

Dr. Flatulina™, how do you teach a fish to sing? Do they have lungs and vocal chords?

 

It's an interesting process to teach a fish to sing. At first I started with common goldfish, but had no luck. Then I tried all of the other pet store available aquarium fish, still nothing. So I consulted with a brilliant marine biologist friend of mine named L'Monjello. He suggested I use very rare breeds only found in the deepest inhabitable parts of the ocean.

So I started with one called a wonderfish, I named her Clementine. I began by rubbing my finger around the rim of the fish bowl, like you would with a wine glass. This was just to surround her with the frequencies to introduce her to music. I then took a drinking straw and would sing through the straw into the water and sort of chase her around. That was a very long part of the process. I had an assistant, and between the two of us, we logged approximately 2,536 hours of that particular exercise.

From there, we started blasting the stereo at the tank, and after a very long time, the faintest little gurgling melody could be heard. I learned that by putting a solution of part hydrogen peroxide in the fish tank, the fish would produce more bubbles. It was magical. Unfortunately Clementine was brutally murdered in an incident I would rather not discuss, but I at least knew what to do.

By the way, fish do not have lungs or vocal chords, as you know, they breathe through their gills. But these rare deep ocean fish I use also have an alternate "breathing" mechanism which when manipulated correctly can vibrate at controllable frequencies, thus creating a sound which mimics a voice. It's quite spectacular.

Dear Flatulina™, you seem like a princess. Are you?

Funny you should ask, I actually am a descendant of the royal Boutier family of Antarctica. My mother's gradfather was King Flatorius III, and he ruled over the people of Antarctica starting when he was just 12 years old. My mother's father was the oldest son, so he was the heir of the throne and became the ruling King Flatuleo when he was in his early 60's. By then my mom had already moved to the states to begin her clowning career, so she never got to live in the palace with her father when he was there.

My grandfather, Flatuleo, had a son, Flatulenny Boutier, and my mom, Bubbles Cleopatra Boutier. So my uncle Flatulenny is still the crowned prince and my grandfather Flatuleo is still on the throne. I very much look forward to visiting them when I am on my "Feel the Heat" tour. It has been quite some time since we were able to go there. Mom's clowning and acting career [she portrayed Vera Peterson, wife of Norm Peterson on Cheers] kept her quite busy. Then my mom died, and I travelled with my dad who didn't seem to believe that there were actually people living in Antarctica so he would never take me.

By the way, I'm named after my great grandmother Flatuline, wife of Flatorius III. Except she was a little bit masculine as a person, so my mom wanted to soften up "Flatuline" and she changed it to "Flatulina™".

Dear Flatulina™, did Lenny Kravitz really sing on your CD?

There has been some confusion over the credits on my CD "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular" as the name Lenny Kravitz is listed in the fish choir. I'm glad you asked so I have a chance to clear this up. People often ask me how I came up with the names for my fish and I must continue to explain that I indeed did not name my fish. Their parents did. It's as simple as that.

Ingriletta and Lizbee are from the Indian Ocean, and have exotic names from that region. Elle Jéan is from off of the coast of France, so there is that French influence in all of their names there. Tarzan and Zulu were recruited off of the coast of Africa, and they are actually twin brothers which really helps with the "blend" of my little fish choir.

Then there is the final fish, Lenny Kravitz. He actually got his name legally changed once he had entered the United States because he felt that his birth name, O.J. Simpson, would have bad connotations. So to answer your question, yes Lenny Kravitz did sing on my CD. Pretty fabulous, eh?

 

Hey Fabulous One, is it true that you are coming out with a fragrance line? What does it smell like!?

 

First of all, I'd like to know how on earth you found out about that. That was supposed to be highly confidential information. But since the cat is out of the bag, I will answer your question directly. As you may know, my frizzy haired, cross eyed, unibrow friend with the speech impediment, Hortense Faith, has an incredible nose and went to school to become a perfumer. She has graciously offered to help me develop my own fragrance line with a working title of "Flatulessence". She is currently in Switzerland tweaking the formulas.

We do not yet have any projected release date for this line of products, and are still not even sure if we will put it on the market, or if it will just be personally for me. So, don't tell anyone about this, okay?

Flatulina™, why are you not performing in the U.S. or Canada on your "Feel the Heat" tour?

Let me apologize if you are one of the hundreds of thousands of people in the US or Canada who purchased a ticket to one of my "Feel the Heat" tour performances before we had to cancel all of the shows on this continent. I was unfortunately met with opposition from a group of radical clean air activists who believed that my concerts would endanger the air quality in our country and aggravate the hole in the ozone layer.

After several trips to Washington D.C., and appearances before the Supreme Court, the Senate, and the House, it was voted by a very small margin that I should not be allowed to give any performances on the continent of North America. Stupid Democrats, I hate bipartisan politics.

I must say, I was deeply hurt by this. So it was with much disappointment that we had to announce the cancellation of many of my tour dates. Once the United Nations got involved, pretty much all of the countries with clean air laws were afraid to allow my concerts as well. So I have been making the most of it by booking shows in countries like Borneo, Eritrea, and Antarctica where they don't have such strict standards. Most of my concerts will be in Antarctica where they truly want to feel the heat.

 

Hi Flatulina™, who edited all of the fun video on your CD? The credits do not say.

 

Yes, that was an oversight on the credits of my "Flatulina™'s Fabulous Holiday Spectacular" CD. As you may know, I casually dated Alan Smithee for quite some time. If you don't know who Alan Smithee is, he is a prolific film director. We met when he was directing, and I was composing the film score for the movie "Rochelle Rochelle" back in the early 90's. Go ahead and look him up on the internet, he's out there. Anyway, he edited the video for me, and I do think he did a lovely job. He did not, however, direct my video, I directed that myself. He wasn't there for the filming.

Unfortunately, I ended up dumping Alan Smithee a little while ago. What can I say? He just wasn't fabulous enough. He never left his house, he was jealous, he chewed with his mouth open, and have you ever seen one of his movies?! They are TERRIBLE! I actually dated him for quite a while before I ever saw one of his films, and I can see why he avoided showing them to me. Once I saw his awful work, my attraction began to diminish. And it's really hard to maintain a relationship with someone who won't leave their house or even open the drapes. At first it was nice because since we are both so famous, it kept the paparazzi away, but enough is enough.

Bye bye Alan! Glad I left your name off!

Hey Flatulina™, what is "puppies for peace"? Where did you get that idea?

 

I believe that it is my duty to use my fame, money, and beauty for the good of the world. After my extensive ambassador work, I have learned that much of the problem with world politics today are the result of national leaders who are not only greedy and power hungry, but just plain grumpy and mean. It has always been my belief that if these men would simply play with a puppy for a half an hour every day, they would be much nicer. So, I have been spearheading the "Puppies for Peace" campaign.

"Puppies for Peace" is an international organization which is working toward placing a "puppy secretary" in the capitol of every nation. This puppy secretary would have a daily appointment with the top government officials to deliver and supervise their puppy time every day. We believe that once these leaders have had a regular puppy time every day, they will feel happy, and be nice. The only exception to this policy will be in Korea where we are concerned that they might eat the puppy every day instead. That would be tragic.